party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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