Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
