You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
