If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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