Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
