Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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