I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
