I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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