whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
