My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
it's like iHOP with fire
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
