Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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