If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
