No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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