wanna go halves on a baby?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
