I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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