I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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