Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
