im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
