I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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