i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize