You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
