Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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