Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
