I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Randomize