ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
