During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
