i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize