bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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