I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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