my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
