you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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