Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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