Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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