TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
