Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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