i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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