woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize