Its about making memories worth repressing
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
