i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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