Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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