I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
