She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize