I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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