I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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