end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
