i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
