so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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