My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
