I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
