Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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