She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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