today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
