dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
