Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
