I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
