Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
