my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
