eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
