I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
