If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
