so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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