Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
