I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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