She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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