God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
