Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He felt like a one man threesome
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize