I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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